Somewhat full disclosure

I have a secret. Some might call it a dirty little secret, but I don’t think it’s really that dirty. It’s more of a tainted secret. My secret is that I haven’t been entirely truthful in my blog.

I don’t mean I’ve been telling lies this whole time. More of a only telling everyone what I needed to hear myself. I’ve always known that I do this, it’s not really a secret to me. And after all, this blog is more for my own personal views rather than telling any readers what they need to hear. VL has told me that I was being misleading to readers in my blog. What’s that? You didn’t know that VL read my blog? Well, funny that…

Things were not going very well. If you read my past posts, you probably wouldn’t have gathered how poorly things were going. We all broke the first and most important rule in this. We all stopped communicating. (Insert pause while gasps and boos die down) It’s really hard to talk about, so I guess I’ll have to start with one word

Fear

Months ago, VL had started to lose attraction for VH. VL is starting to feel her biological clock ticking and felt that she wanted just one person in her life to hold her and give her the child she’s so desperately longed for. Someone to grow old with, someone to spend a life with, someone to always be there for her. That person she wanted was me. She made it clear to me on several occasions, but nothing was said to VH. I had an overwhelming fear of losing VL and so nothing was ever said to VH. VL had an overwhelming fear that VH would end this whole thing if she knew what VL felt, so nothing was ever said to VH.

VL would come home in tears. Jealous of any intimacies had between myself and VH. VH would secretly feel horrible if she found out of any intimacies between myself and VL. I could not show affection towards either VL or VH in sight of the other without them feeling jealous. I frequently felt like I was having an affair with both of them. But I continued on, I had an overwhelming fear of losing both of them, so I endured the emotional strain.

Sometimes, we’d all sit around like we used to. Joking, laughing, enjoying life. Other times, we’d all sit around and silently brood about this or that. There was always a certain level of pain that we all lived with. We all had a large amount of fear of losing what we felt we needed.

Finally, something happened. An argument. A simple argument over… flowers. The argument lead to a very long and involved discussion about all the feelings we had all felt. A discussion that should have been happening months ago. The discussion lead to a lot of self evaluating between all of us. We all learned how we really felt about each other and how our futures would look with or without our group. After the soul searching, after the self evaluations, after hours of conversations, something happened. We remembered what it was like before all this drama. We remembered why we even tried to make this work in the first place. We remembered that we had all broken all of our own rules. Noone was to blame for this anymore than anyone else. We all had the same worries, the same concerns, the same… fears. We all put too much pressure on each other and instead of talking about it, we closed off to each other about it.

Now, we’re still together. We celebrated our one year anniversary March 21st. We’ve returned to how things were, how the should be, how they should have been, how they will be. We’ve all learned a very hard lesson about why communication is so important. Not just for alternative families, but for all relationships. It’s a lesson that we won’t soon forget. My family… My trio family… My “Menage trois”… is too important to me to lose. I love my girls. I’ll move mountains for them, all they have to do is ask.

Somewhere in the middle of this whole debacle, VH found my blog. Soon after VL found it. I don’t know if they told each other about it, but they both found it the same night and each of them woke me up to ask me questions about it. It was during this time that VL said that I wasn’t being truthful in my blog and I agreed with her. However, I still reserve the right to only write about what I feel needs written about. I know this story reads as incomplete. There’s a lot of holes, a lot of potential questions that a reader could have. I think most of them will probably stay a secret. But at least it’s no longer a tainted secret.

More emotional crap… and not from us!

I recently told my very good friend about our little budding family. VL has known my friend for many years as well. He knows about her past. He knows where she’s been and what she’s done. After I told him what was going on, he was angry. Not angry at any of us in particular, just angry with us because he “KNOWS” how this is going to end. He knows that VL is going to hurt VH and me and he’s going to have to deal with the emotional backlash.

I was shocked. Not that he was angry, but by the fact that he’s only thinking of himself when this thing he sees as a sure failure happens. I do not understand why he feels we would blame him for anything. We’re all adults. We can make choices of our own. VH and I know the potential problems that can arise out of this and we’re ready to face them head on. It just seems that the one person who should be happy isn’t feeling very happy about it. Is it because he has yet to find a woman to share his life with and I’ve found one and then went and found another? Is it because he feels that VL is ruining what he sees as a perfect marriage? Maybe it’s the guy code that prevents me from just asking him “Why can’t you just be happy and positive about this? Why do you have to try to ruin it for all of us?” I don’t want to tell him about all the ex-girlfriends I supported him through only to have them throw him to the ground. I don’t want to tell him I picked him up and talked him through many cold and lonely nights while we drank a beer and he borderline cried because he was afraid he was always going to be alone. I don’t want to remind him that he told me just the day before that he wanted to help VL with her problems, but he didn’t know how to. I don’t want to tell him… anything. I don’t want to lose a great friend. We’ve always had discussions that most people would call arguments. We’ve been through a lot of stuff together and always come out great friends. I don’t want to have to choose between an old friend or a new friend that VL, the offspring and I have so much love for. Why can’t he see that it may not end well, but we’re going to try to anyway? Why can’t he be supportive instead of always acting like a child about this? Why can’t he see that VH and I will never be broken up by anything? Why? Why? Why?

Once again I find myself trying to describe the color purple to someone who has been blind since birth.