Sickness and health

July 14, 2010

I’m sick. I hate being sick. I always feel so inefficient when I’m sick. I hate taking time off work because I can’t stay focused on work. It’s not the aches and pains and fevers and coughing and… other bodily functions, it’s that I waste a day of work which puts me behind and means even more work.

However, being sick with two concerned wives is enough to make me want to be sick all the time. The pampering, the cooing, the caring is doubled. It’s a silver lining in an otherwise dreary fog of a day.


Somewhat full disclosure

April 7, 2010

I have a secret. Some might call it a dirty little secret, but I don’t think it’s really that dirty. It’s more of a tainted secret. My secret is that I haven’t been entirely truthful in my blog.

I don’t mean I’ve been telling lies this whole time. More of a only telling everyone what I needed to hear myself. I’ve always known that I do this, it’s not really a secret to me. And after all, this blog is more for my own personal views rather than telling any readers what they need to hear. VL has told me that I was being misleading to readers in my blog. What’s that? You didn’t know that VL read my blog? Well, funny that…

Things were not going very well. If you read my past posts, you probably wouldn’t have gathered how poorly things were going. We all broke the first and most important rule in this. We all stopped communicating. (Insert pause while gasps and boos die down) It’s really hard to talk about, so I guess I’ll have to start with one word


Months ago, VL had started to lose attraction for VH. VL is starting to feel her biological clock ticking and felt that she wanted just one person in her life to hold her and give her the child she’s so desperately longed for. Someone to grow old with, someone to spend a life with, someone to always be there for her. That person she wanted was me. She made it clear to me on several occasions, but nothing was said to VH. I had an overwhelming fear of losing VL and so nothing was ever said to VH. VL had an overwhelming fear that VH would end this whole thing if she knew what VL felt, so nothing was ever said to VH.

VL would come home in tears. Jealous of any intimacies had between myself and VH. VH would secretly feel horrible if she found out of any intimacies between myself and VL. I could not show affection towards either VL or VH in sight of the other without them feeling jealous. I frequently felt like I was having an affair with both of them. But I continued on, I had an overwhelming fear of losing both of them, so I endured the emotional strain.

Sometimes, we’d all sit around like we used to. Joking, laughing, enjoying life. Other times, we’d all sit around and silently brood about this or that. There was always a certain level of pain that we all lived with. We all had a large amount of fear of losing what we felt we needed.

Finally, something happened. An argument. A simple argument over… flowers. The argument lead to a very long and involved discussion about all the feelings we had all felt. A discussion that should have been happening months ago. The discussion lead to a lot of self evaluating between all of us. We all learned how we really felt about each other and how our futures would look with or without our group. After the soul searching, after the self evaluations, after hours of conversations, something happened. We remembered what it was like before all this drama. We remembered why we even tried to make this work in the first place. We remembered that we had all broken all of our own rules. Noone was to blame for this anymore than anyone else. We all had the same worries, the same concerns, the same… fears. We all put too much pressure on each other and instead of talking about it, we closed off to each other about it.

Now, we’re still together. We celebrated our one year anniversary March 21st. We’ve returned to how things were, how the should be, how they should have been, how they will be. We’ve all learned a very hard lesson about why communication is so important. Not just for alternative families, but for all relationships. It’s a lesson that we won’t soon forget. My family… My trio family… My “Menage trois”… is too important to me to lose. I love my girls. I’ll move mountains for them, all they have to do is ask.

Somewhere in the middle of this whole debacle, VH found my blog. Soon after VL found it. I don’t know if they told each other about it, but they both found it the same night and each of them woke me up to ask me questions about it. It was during this time that VL said that I wasn’t being truthful in my blog and I agreed with her. However, I still reserve the right to only write about what I feel needs written about. I know this story reads as incomplete. There’s a lot of holes, a lot of potential questions that a reader could have. I think most of them will probably stay a secret. But at least it’s no longer a tainted secret.

Dear world

March 5, 2010

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. In truth, things have just kind of reached a fairly common day to day thing. However…

Dear World,

Go away and stop trying to break us up.

VL has been feeling a great deal. She’s going through rehab for addiction, she’s coming to terms with some very major supressed grief and she’s reentered the workforce and is trying to juggle rehab requirements and work responsibilities. It’s quite a bit of effort. And the horrible thing is that around once a week, without fail, someone tells her that the situation she’s in is horrible for her and she should get out. And by situation, I mean our little family. These people range from ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, counselors to old “fuck buddies.” And, to be really honest, I’m getting really frustrated and tired of dealing with it. As if we don’t have enough troubles with our lives, other people try to interject their opinions in and create doubt. They don’t see the environment that VL is in where she has a group of people caring for her and giving her an environment that is condusive to getting clean. They just see her in a lifestyle that isn’t the norm so it must be wrong. As a side note, I find it especially humorous coming from her ex-girlfriends who are some of the most vocal people ever when it comes to gay marriage.

So listen to this world. Take care of your own problems and stop trying to create new ones in my life.

Rehab and Polyamory

November 20, 2009

We knew it was going to happen. We tried to prepare for it. But it still hurt us and made things more complex.

VL had a meeting with her “counselor” and was asked about well, us. She told the counselor everything that was going on and he being the dutiful counselor with only her best intentions in mind, told her that we were making her life complicated. Okay, fine. It is pretty complicated. But the real kicker was this…

The counselor said that VH and I did not need a third. He said that we needed marriage counseling and possible just to seperate.

I’m not really upset, after all, we expected it. But assuming that VH and I were having issues just took the proverbial cake. VL and I were very secure in relationship before we even started considering the beginning. It’s really kind of insulting that he just assumes we have problems. I’m not mad at him though. I do believe that he really is trying to look out for VL’s best interests in her recovery. I just want him to understand that VH and I care about VL and her recovery too. Maybe someday, if everyone keeps trying, people will learn more about polyamory and polyfidelity instead of just knee jerk reacting to it poorly. I hope it happens soon. I hate seeing VL upset when people tell her that she’s just going to get hurt. How can you be hurt when you’re in a caring loving relationship?

Addiction and Recovery

October 28, 2009

I’m a very strong willed individual. If I set my mind to do something, I put myself in a mindset to make it happen. I like to think that this is one of my strengths. When combined with various aspects of my personality, it is usually, generally, a very good thing. I have been told that I do not have an addictive personality. I’ve never became addicted to cigarettes even though I smoked just as much as those around me. I’ve never had become addicted to alcohol which is a blessing given my line of work. And I’ve never become addicted to any form of drugs. I’ve tried many things in life, been around the block a few times so to speak, but I’ve never had these things rule my life. In my arrogance, I thought that people who were addicts were just temporarily weak and if they could just learn to have strong will power like me, their problems would go away.

I was wrong.

Not 100% wrong. But wrong all the same.

My ignorance to this stems mostly because I’ve never been addicted to anything. I’ve never had to go through the process of becoming addicted, being addicted, admitting addiction and recovering from addiction. I’ve known many addicts in my life, but I’ve never known what it takes for a true addict to recover.

VL has started her therapy for her addictions and mental troubles. The center has a family night and I was privilaged to attend with VL. There were only eight people there, five in therapy and three family members, but it was enough. I thought I had prepared myself for what I was going to see and hear, I’d been reading the books, pamphlets and other things that VL has been bringing home. I listen to her tell stories about what she learned about her problems and about herself. I’ve researched things online for hours while waiting for her classes to conclude. Nothing prepared me for actually hearing a recovering addict tell his story about how bad his life had become before he sought help. He knew he had a problem, he just didn’t get any help and his life spun out of control. I wish I could say that I now understand about addiction and recovery, but I don’t. In fact I think I’ll probably never understand it. I’ve never been there. I’ve never done that. And God help me, I hope to never have to learn it. I do however, fully empathize with addicts now.

I’ve learned that addiction is a life long problem, not something that can be washed away at the sink of weekend rehab. VL can never again drink alcohol or use her drugs of choice. Ever. Again. For the rest of her life. And as she says, “The rest of my life is a really long time.” I know what you’re thinking, surely after you’ve learned how to control your problem, you can go back to casual use can’t you? The answer is usually a resounding NO!. Just one time engaging in behavior like that can quickly lead you down a spiral back to where you were before you started. It also means that she can no longer go to the places that she normally went to before. No more friends parties, no more haging out in bars, the list goes on. There’s too many temptations to relapse. I’m not really upset, but I am worried about the rest of us. VH and I are avid beer tasters. And by tasters I don’t mean we taste a 30 pack of Bud Light every week. I mean we occasionally enjoy a bottle or pint of microbrewed craft beer. We drink for the taste, not the buzz. But we have abstained from drinking out of respect for VL. VL tells us that it’s okay if we drink, she says we don’t have to stop for her, but we have. She says she’s found the best excuse to be the designated driver ever. And while a part of me wants to take her up on that offer, another part of me, the more rational and sensitive part of me, knows that I need to be an example for her. And after being “clean” for a week, I still feel the urges to have a beer, and it makes me wonder about the possibility that I am addicted to alcohol. Wow. I’ve always told VL that I’ve learned a lot about various things since she came into our lives, I just never realized how much she would show me about myself.

So, to stop the rambling, I suppose I’ll just end things with a few points

  • Our little family is going pretty good. VL has been as happy as I’ve ever known her to be
  • More and more people are finding out about our family. VL has a member of her one of her groups who’s grandparents were in a Menage a trois. It’s really weird how it seems that everyone knows someone who’s been polyamorous at some point in there lives. Everytime I turn around it seems that I’m finding another group online or close by or reading some article in a major news publication or seeing something on TV.
  • Addiction is a serious problem and if you even have a hint of a question that you might have an addiction, get help now. Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom to seek the help you need.
  • I suppose I’ll end this blog post now before I ramble out another thousand or so words.

    More emotional crap… and not from us!

    October 5, 2009

    I recently told my very good friend about our little budding family. VL has known my friend for many years as well. He knows about her past. He knows where she’s been and what she’s done. After I told him what was going on, he was angry. Not angry at any of us in particular, just angry with us because he “KNOWS” how this is going to end. He knows that VL is going to hurt VH and me and he’s going to have to deal with the emotional backlash.

    I was shocked. Not that he was angry, but by the fact that he’s only thinking of himself when this thing he sees as a sure failure happens. I do not understand why he feels we would blame him for anything. We’re all adults. We can make choices of our own. VH and I know the potential problems that can arise out of this and we’re ready to face them head on. It just seems that the one person who should be happy isn’t feeling very happy about it. Is it because he has yet to find a woman to share his life with and I’ve found one and then went and found another? Is it because he feels that VL is ruining what he sees as a perfect marriage? Maybe it’s the guy code that prevents me from just asking him “Why can’t you just be happy and positive about this? Why do you have to try to ruin it for all of us?” I don’t want to tell him about all the ex-girlfriends I supported him through only to have them throw him to the ground. I don’t want to tell him I picked him up and talked him through many cold and lonely nights while we drank a beer and he borderline cried because he was afraid he was always going to be alone. I don’t want to remind him that he told me just the day before that he wanted to help VL with her problems, but he didn’t know how to. I don’t want to tell him… anything. I don’t want to lose a great friend. We’ve always had discussions that most people would call arguments. We’ve been through a lot of stuff together and always come out great friends. I don’t want to have to choose between an old friend or a new friend that VL, the offspring and I have so much love for. Why can’t he see that it may not end well, but we’re going to try to anyway? Why can’t he be supportive instead of always acting like a child about this? Why can’t he see that VH and I will never be broken up by anything? Why? Why? Why?

    Once again I find myself trying to describe the color purple to someone who has been blind since birth.

    Stepping out of the dark and into the light

    October 2, 2009

    I haven’t posted in awhile. I know, sue me. The truth is, things have been extremely crazy. VL almost left right before our six month anniversary (I figured I probably jinxed us), and right after we had made up and learned from our mistakes, another problem came up. I’m not going to get into details because… because I don’t want to.

    The good news is that VL is now moving in with us. Kind of crazy considering how the last month went, but we all realized that we can’t leave each other no matter what. VL is moving in to share expenses and she is going to start going to rehab for several problems she’s had since before we knew her. She’s getting help for her problems and issues. We’re all going to work together to help her get better. It’s like we’re some kind of family or something.

    I was trying to explain to VL how there is no “first” or “second” or “other woman.” I keep telling her that just because VH and I were married before we met her, that doesn’t mean anything. There’s been quite a few attempts by me to try and explain exactly how I feel about it. I can never find the words to adequetly express the way I feel about it. So I told her this to at least make the point that she may not understand it, but that’s the way it is.

    Take a person who has been blind since birth. They’ve never seen the world. They’ve still experienced it with their other senses, but they’ve never seen the world. How do you explain to that person the color purple? How do you describe something that has to be seen to be understood?

    I suppose that’s all I have for now I guess.