The polyamorous polynomial

I found this blog entry pretty much by random and although the tips it gives are for staying monogomous, I think the five tips could easily be reworded to cover just about any relationship.

Tips For Adulthood: Five Ways To Stay Monogamous

Is this it? Are there just five steps that can lead everyone to happiness? The answer is: No. Each and every relationship is different. But surely there’s some kind of basic function that can be found. Maybe make it a function of time so that it can change as the relationship progresses (okay, I’m busted. I do have an engineering degree. A lot of things in my life I try to boil down to functions). We could even get into pre relationship things. Like number 2:

2. Choose a Partner With Whom You Share Many Interests. In my humble opinion, one of the main reasons people wander is that they don’t have enough in common with their partners/spouses to begin with. While you don’t need to have completely overlapping interests (see below), with so many things clamoring for your attention – work, children, aging parents – you do need to enjoy doing the same things in your free time.

Yeah. That seems like a good start. So we can let L = Love and t = time. But first you have to like don’t you? You can’t fall into love without meeting and getting to know someone. We had better add an l = like. Ah hell. This is going to get messy. I’ll have to play around with this equation and see what I can come up with. And so begins my journey to find the polyamorous polynomial.

This is so hard

Not the trio. The trio is doing pretty well, just the usual hiccups, problems and great times. I’m talking about the blog. I start a blog entry trying to say something, but then I feel the need to fill in some background, then I have to explain that, then I need to make another point, which brings more background and filling then more editing. After thirty minutes I feel like it’ll take a novel to convey what I want to say, but sadly, most blog readers aren’t here for well written entries. Most people want to read about the “awesome” guy that has a wife and a girlfriend and gets all the sex he wants all the time. I wish it was that simple.

I have so many drafts of posts that started out simple, but turned into these huge philosophical things that really go nowhere so I put them into draft hold. And that’s where they stay. I’m not a journalist. In fact, I’m probably the farthest thing from it.

So a real update…

We’re all doing okay for those few people who check in on us. We’re coming up on five months and we’re constantly reminding ourselves that it’s only been five months, not five years. Sometimes it feels like it’s been an eternity since we started. To those who come here for some form of advice, always try to remember how long you’ve really been together. Putting unnecessary pressure on yourselves makes things so much harder. Love each and every moment you’re together. You might not have that many left.

Simple texts

I don’t know how I got into texting. It just seems to be a very inefficient way to communicate. Especially when you’re trying to convey emotions and understanding through them. They’re great for simple little shots of information that can be read at the receivers leisure, but not when a loved one is hurting and lonely.

I found myself in just such a situation and I sent a text that I felt would help VL with some problems she’s been having. Turns out, the text not only helped her, but myself and VH as well. It was pretty simple.

This is a weird situation baby. We can’t apply common ways of thinking to this relationship

I hate it when a exquisetly complex situation can be quelled with a purely simplistic idea. Sixteen words. While in practice, that statement is easier said then done. In theory, it should be engraved on the mantle of every household that has an alternative family living in it.

And in closing, I’d like to share another quote from a very helpful small guy.

You must unlearn what you have learned.

Who would have thought that Yoda’s words of wisdom to a young Skywalker would apply to so much more than lifting X-Wings out of the swamp on the Dagobah system?

Another weekend of interest

There’s something about long weekends with our new family. Sometimes we feel like we’ve taken two steps back, but by the end, we’re either three steps forward, or found a better path that we missed two steps ago. Today is our four month “anniversary” and this last weekend was a long four day weekend for us. VL has told me numerous times that she feels that VH just isn’t that much into her. VH has also told me that she feels that VL isn’t that much into her. The problem with their statements is that neither of them had talked to each other about it. They both want to have a relationship with the other, but just feel that the other isn’t there. After some lenghty talks, it seems that they were both basing their relationship status on their relationships with me. I have been married to VH for 8 years, and we were together forever before that. Our relationship has weathered a lot of horrible storms and we’re stronger for it. VL and I have only been together for four months, but we seem to connect on some kind of personal level that most people dream of finding.

Somehow, my relationship with each of them became the bar for how far their relationship should be, which was putting an enormous amount of pressure on each of them. After this weekend, they decided that their relationship is there, and it’s still vibrant, it just isn’t as developed. They each promised to let the relationship grow at it’s own pace instead of forcing it to keep up with their other relationships. I know it sounds weird, but the atmosphere of the house for the rest of the weekend was much easier. I don’t mean the way everyone was acting towards each other, I mean the house just seemed happier, even when noone was talking and everyone was doing their own thing on their own.

And so we’ve taken what I believe is a very important step in a relationship such as ours. Learning that each relationship has to be allowed to develop at it’s own pace and everyone working together to help each other out. Wow, isn’t that a lesson that monogomous relationships have to learn too? Maybe polyamorous and monogomous couples are a lot closer than either care to admit.

Holy Crap!

It’s hard to fall in love again. I haven’t had to do this since my wife and I first met. And that was over a decade ago. And on top of that, all of us are fighting with the lessons pounded into our heads since we were children. Every once in awhile, one of us has a moment where we’re stressed to the max and we begin to doubt if this is the right thing to do. After a lot of sitting, hugging and some crying, we always decide that right or wrong doesn’t matter anymore. Just being around and with each other feels so right and we don’t care if it’s wrong.

Trials and Tribulations

I like to follow a few blogs that are floating around the internet.  I never thought I’d actually say that.  Most times I think that blogs are a waste of space and brain power (mine included).  When I read political blogs, I can’t understand how people can be so narrow minded when they’re trying to prove they’re so open minded.  When I read food and drink blogs, I wonder if the blogger is getting paid off to give a good review because I sure didn’t enjoy that particular place they were raving about.  When I read random blogs, I wonder why I’m reading about some guy in California and his quest to legalize huffing vaporized oranges.  That last one was made up, but most blogs out there really do seem to be a waste of space.  Most are poorly written and if they’re any indication of the intelligence level of the United States, No Child Left Behind has become the biggest failure of all time.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that every blog has it’s niche that it’s trying to appeal to, but damn.

However, I’ve found a few about small groups of people that seem to be in the same situation I am.  Three people with children that are trying to understand their feelings when three people all fall in love with each other and how everything is going to work out for them.  One of them that I’ve found on wordpress is very well written, makes a good point, and manages to throw in a fair amount of humor.  But it seems that even he has hit a snag that made me come back to earth out of the heaven that is new relationship energy. Polyfidelity vs Polyamory is something that I spend some time reading about on the internet. With the whole “What is marriage” debate going on, I’ve really been doing some thinking about even what a family is. I whole heartedly agree with this blogger that the the majority of people who practice polyamory really are just using it as an excuse to sleep with more people.

Well… I have been pretty clear that I am not into Polyamory. To me, and I may upset some people here but, Polyamory is just another name for Sleeping Around Ethically and not having to commit. It is playing the field. It is not Love.

I couldn’t have found a better way to say it myself. And if I upset people by agreeing, so be it. This is my wasted corner of the internet and as long as I’m within the terms of the wordpress agreement, I can do what I want with it.

I sent the link to VL to read and we talked about it online for awhile. Finally she asked me “Would you mind if I slept around with other people?” I thought about it for a few seconds and responded, “Yes, I would mind it very much if you did.” Her reply was simply, “Good, thank you.” I spent the rest of my day with a huge smile on my face.

Another blog I like to read is Love trio. Another FFM group trying to figure things out. Starla posted this blog entry and I also sent it to VL. VL’s first question was, “What is a unicorn?” After this past weekend, the tense moments, the tender moments, and her earlier reply to me, all I could tell her was, “You are our unicorn, beautiful.”

Banned from the kitchen…

It’s times like these that I’m glad I was an old veteran at being married before I got into a really weird family setting.

I have been kicked out of the kitchen.  VL is learning how to make quesadillas from VH who is supposed to be studying for work and classes.  I finally get out of my really comfy chair to try and show VL how to make a really awesome quesadilla (years of cooking experience are in my court, mind you) only to be told that I don’t know anything about cooking by VH who stopped studying long enough to tell me such.  When I remind VH that she is supposed to be doing her work and studying so we can all watch TV and snuggle together, I’m given a very very cold shoulder and ignored.  It’s fine with me though.  I know VH is just angry that I’m not letting her play with her new toy (Not literally her new toy.  Give me some credit.) and making her study.  It’s a bad guy rap that I’ll gladly take because she needs to study and do work.

I suppose I could let on as to how our triad came to pass.  Without divulging too much information, it all started off very innocently.  That’s right, I’m talking about swinging.  VH has always had a passing interest in women.  I’ve known about it for years.  I was never really comfortable with it though.  Not the other women part, more the “OH MY GOD!  IF WE DO THIS I’M GOING TO LOSE MY WIFE WHO IS REALLY ALL I HAVE IN LIFE!!”  You know.  That kind of thing.  However, maturing in a relationship tends to change people, and awhile ago we kind of came to the agreement that we both wanted to swing, but it pretty much had to be perfect.  A great excuse to stay monogomous while keeping the hope of something more alive, as slim as it might be.

<Enter VL>

Wow.  Out of nowhere this perfect situation appeared.  I don’t think either of us were ready when it happened.  It just kind of did.  VL showed up in our lives and we all hit it off very well.  Several conversations and make out sessions later, and we were in a really nice hotel room for a weekend of what we thought would just be casual sex…

<Enter love sneaking up on you>

The hotel was awesome.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was awesome.  And the next weekend we arrainged for a meeting at our house.  Even more fun was had by all.  Now the casual sex was turning into casual conversation.  Apparently VH and I had a lot more in common with VL than we would ever think possible.  Some nights we would actually not have sex, but we would just sit and cuddle for hours while talking about feelings and stuff.  I know, I question my manliness too when I look back.  But I don’t regret it.  In fact, I think that’s why things went the way they did.  We had several nights where we sat and talked.  Some post coital, some no coitus, but finally I told VH one day, “I think I’m falling in love with VL.”  Much to VH’s wisdom, she didn’t run for the hills and immedietly spurn me.  She took a week or so and said to me, “I think I am too.”

And that’s kind of everything in a nutshell.  Maybe someday I’ll dig deeper into what really happened.  But who knows. 

I really like how things are going now.  And I don’t think VH or VL would disagree.

Where to begin?

I suppose I’ll being with a little about myself.  I’m between the ages of 21 and 71.  That should about cover it. 

Well, okay.  Maybe not really, but it’s a start I suppose.  It’s kind of odd how I even wanted to start this blog.  Me, the guy who received several detentions for NOT wanting to write in a journal during junior high.  But I suppose that a higher power is calling to me trying to get me to start this blog.  The higher power of people needing to know about my life, as dull as it is.

I accidentally stumbled across wordpress when I was doing some research on a rather drastic change in my life.  Somehow I seem to have become involved in a polyfidelitous relationship.  I know, it’s weird to think that a balding, portly man could somehow win the affections of two women at the same time.  It’s a rather boring story that I’ll save for another post.  I was drawn to wordpress as I was looking for anything to help with the feeling of dread I was feeling when we first all pronounced our desires to only be with only each other.  My wife and I are accepted as normal by society, but what do people think about families that have more than two adults in them?  And for that matter, are there any other families that have more than two adults in them?

The answer is, Yes.  In fact, there’s quite a few on wordpress alone.  It’s amazing how all this information is on the internet, but noone ever looks at it until it directly affects them.  So after many hours looking all over the cacophany that is the world wide web, our little budding family had many reassurances that there are indeed others out there.  Many even going through the same “What do we do now?” phase of emotions that we are. 

And so begins my little journey into the blogsphere.  I’m sure that someday one or both of my ladies will find this blog and realize that it’s about them, so I’ll make sure to only state truths on here.  Maybe another group of newly discovered polyamorists will stumble across my little corner of the net and find some sort of inspiration or help on how to move forward with their relationship.

Who am I kidding?  I’ll probably just do four or five posts and forget about it.

I love my girls.  Even though my life seems to have gotten three times as complicated with two women and a three year old running around my house, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.